“Have you ever been punched in the face?”

Several years ago, while hanging out with two of my female friends and catching them up on the drama in my life (lies, there is no drama), one of them asked me if I’d told the other about a certain crazy story. The title to this post? That’s what she asked me after I’d shared my story…

This story stars the same “head shaker” that I wrote about in “On Discretion“. This story precedes that one, so I won’t blame you for thinking that this instance might explain part of the reason why he ran his big mouth. From here on we’ll call him “Smith”. Since the heroine will come up again, we’ll name her as well. We’ll call her…“Christina”. Christina was a known floozy. She’d already fucked at least two of us, myself included (and here is that story), and according to the co-worker’s girlfriend that introduced her to us, she even tried to fuck her once. Everyone at the office knew about this already. It was a thing of legend. So, yeah. Not exactly monogamous relationship material, one would think. Anyways, I caught my female friend up with this background info, then got on with the story…

One day, word got around that Smith had begun talking to Christina. When asked about it, he told the rest of us that he was going to “make her fall in love with me, then break her heart”. This was a recurring joke of Smith’s. He liked to play up the narrative that he was heartless. Anyways, we laughed it off and assumed he was just going to “hit it and quit it”, which made sense, being that he was well aware of her reputation by this point.

About a week later, several of us took one of our multi-vehicle trips to lunch. While parked and eating inside of my work vehicle, with one of my supervisors sitting next to me, Smith came up to my window. There was some small talk and then, in a very casual, nonchalant manner, I asked “So…is Christina’s pussy still tight?”

My supervisor burst out laughing, and then I saw a blank expression come over Smith’s face. He just stared at me for a moment, and with his expression remaining the same, said “What are you talking about?” Feeling quite confused, I looked at my supervisor, who had the most amused look on his face, then back at Smith and said “Uh…dude? Weren’t you just telling us that you were going to make her fall in love with you, and then break her heart?” But again, Smith replied “I have no idea what you’re talking about”, turned around, and walked away without saying another word. I sat there in a perfect, utterly confused pose, wondering what the fuck had just transpired. After listening to my supervisor laughing his ass off for a good minute, I asked him “Dude…what the fuck was THAT?” and he replied “Bro…you didn’t hear?! Smith is actually dating her now!”

Can you say embarrassing?

Like…what the fuck, man? How are you going to front about how horrible you’re going to be, and then fucking fall for the girl? The time that I fucked her wasn’t something to brag about, it was embarrassing all around, and it’s part of what made it a hilarious story. No one involved came away going “Yeah, I’m a fucking bad ass. I love degrading women.” The guys were ribbing on me about it for over a year! But then here comes Smith, fucking tough guy extraordinaire, talking big and…he turns out to be the dude that takes her as his wifey after she’s ran through half of us (possibly more)? Bad form, man. Bad. Form.

Smith and I weren’t all that friendly before this, being that he liked to act like a hotshot, and I’ve never cared for people who act as if the authority they’ve been assigned means shit, but after this? Yeah. We pretty much only communicated on an as-needed basis. It hurt his reputation all around also. In private, the rest of us would all just cringe about the whole situation. It was sad.

Originally, based on my friend’s reaction (asking me if I’d ever been punched in the face), this was the story that I was going to use for my “On Discretion” post, but halfway through writing it, I realized that discretion really wasn’t a factor this time. Everyone already knew that Christina and I had fucked, and this was all done and over with by the time that I shot Smith that question. The time for “discretion” was long past. And concerning my friend’s question, after the shit he spoke, Smith would have come out looking like an even bigger pussy, had he lashed out at me over his own stupidity.

Anyways, that’s all I have for this one. Let this be a lesson though. If you’re going to talk big shit about how heartless you are, don’t be the guy that tries to turn the town slut into a housewife…

– Jack The Despicable


Brevity and Civility

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