Christina, I

Christina“, whose actual name I will only reveal to my personal friends, was a thin, 6 feet tall, blonde hottie. She holds a special place in my memories for several reasons, cardinal among them being the fact that she’s probably the tallest chick I’ve been with (same height as I), and that our hook up became a legend among all of my former co-workers. I’ve alluded to this before, but I think it’s time I finally shared the story in full…

The occasion that caused our paths to cross was this huge, gala-style dance that my company held once a year, in conjunction with several other local businesses. I really don’t care for such fancy shit, but you could say it was kind of a big deal. The rest of my co-workers were all about it, and one in particular, “Mitchell”, did not have a date to bring along. Luckily for Mitchell, the girlfriend of another of our co-workers, “Fred”, had a cute, recently broken up friend whom she thought might like the opportunity to get out and socialize in a fancy setting. The friend was Christina, and looking back, Fred’s girlfriend couldn’t have been a worse matchmaker…

Mitchell was about 5’8″ on his best days, and the already towering Christina decided to rock high heels to the dance. That might explain what happened when they were out. I wasn’t there*, but once my co-workers returned from the dance, I found out that at some point during the night, Christina just…disappeared.

*(While the dance was going down, I was back at the same hotel this story took place in. Most of us traveled far from home to go to work, so we decided to get rooms for the weekend. Though I didn’t care for the dance, I loved the after parties that always ensued, so I sat around “pre-gaming” while I waited…)

Mitchell was pretty pissed about the whole thing, of course. His drunken Amazon had just ditched him without a word. Didn’t matter much to the rest of us though. Everyone back at the hotel was more interested in continuing the festivities, and so we did. At some point in the morning, when I was up from one of my mini alcohol-comas in Fred’s room, Christina casually walked in. It was as if nothing had happened, and Mitchell played the part as well. I’m thinking he was either too drunk to care, or figured that talking about it would only cause him more hurt, so he left it alone.

I introduced myself to Christina, she offered to make Mitchell and I drinks, and then sat between us on the couch to chat. While we drank and chatted, Christina was flipping through channels, when I noticed something: The TV in Fred’s room had an “auxiliary” channel available, while mine didn’t, so I went off:

“Dude! That’s bullshit! I spent all night trying to switch my TV to the auxiliary channel, so I could play my PS2, but the bitch didn’t work! I even called maintenance, and all they could do was tell me that my TV doesn’t have it!” And that’s when Christina cut in with, “Yes, it does.”

“What? No, it doesn’t. Trust me, I would have noticed…” I replied. But she persisted. “It does! Take me to your room, I’ll show you…”

So Christina and I left the room, all while Mitchell watched in disbelief as his date ditched him again. I don’t even remember our co-worker “Gonzales” being in the room, but according to the debriefing I got from my co-workers, Mitchell ordered him to tag along. Her and I were both pretty drunk, so he wanted to ensure that nothing crazy happened. According to Gonzales, as soon as Christina was inside of the doorway to my room, she slammed the door in his face

While inside, I turned on the TV in the living room, but she just walked past me and into the bedroom. “Wait, this is the—”, I attempted to get out, before she cut in to call me into the bedroom. When I entered, she pushed me onto the bed and told me to get comfortable. I thought “Oh….Ok!”, but somehow it still hadn’t really sunk in (I was that drunk). She took a final swig of her drink, turned up the volume on the TV, jumped into the bed, kicked her pants off, then turned to me with a big smile and asked “So…what do you want to do?”

And that, folks, is where I’m leaving it for now! I dislike giant walls of text, so if I go for any longer my obsessiveness will cause me to start cutting some juicy details, and none of y’all want that, do you? Stay tuned for the second and final part (now available)! Things are about to get scandalous…

– Jack The Thief


Brevity and Civility

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