Last time, on Jack’s TMI Blog, I was left with a mind full of worries, and fingers smelling of vagina. My newest acquaintance, “Alexa”, asked me to come to her trailer so that I could lay some pipe, but there was one little problem: Military personnel were not allowed in the civilian areas. After almost 8 months without any sexual contact, though, trivialities like “rules” were not about to dissuade me…
When I finally arrived back at the big tent, my rack mate, “LCpl Wallace”, greeted me. “Rayner! So how’d it go, man?!” He’d actually seen Alexa and I hanging out on a previous night, and like the big, clueless asshole that he was, yelled to wish me luck. He knew I’d met her that night, also. “Smell my finger…”
“What do you want me to smell your finger for, man?”, He sounded concerned, but I persisted. “Smell. My. Finger.” Before long, another Marine, “Martinez”, came over. “What’s going on?” So I tried him, “Dude, smell my finger. I swear it ain’t nothing nasty.” He hesitated at first, but then his eyes lit up, as if he knew what was up. He clenched my wrist with both hands, in case I tried anything funny, and took a few whiffs. Timid, short whiffs at first, and then longer ones. Then his eyebrows raised,“Dude…..that’s smells like pussy!” Wallace went off. “Rayner, my man! You got laid?!”
“Not yet, bro’. This chick wants me to come see her in her trailer, but we’re not allowed over there, so I’m not sure how I’m going to make this work.” Just then, Wallace reminded me of something that I’d long buried at the bottom of one of my seabags. Before leaving our home unit, they made us take a set of civvies with us, just in case. Though I’m 100% certain this wasn’t the use my superiors had in mind, I’m glad I followed orders that time! “What about my rifle, though? I won’t make it in there with it slung to my back, and if the command catches me without it, I’m fucking dead!” This really was a big deal. Several Marines had already been burned for lesser instances of this. But Wallace had my back. “I got you, man. I’ll hide it here ’til you get back. You worry about getting laid!”
In the morning, my first order of business was to head to the base PX to acquire protection. Ever felt awkward while buying condoms? Well, amplify that several times over and you might understand how I felt. It was common for gunners to use condoms to keep our barrels sand free…but they sold non-lubricated ones specifically for that purpose. When you bought lubricated condoms, everybody knew what you were up to! Why was this a problem? Well, because—as I seemed to have left out of my long-winded exposition about the difficulties of getting laid in a combat zone—we were actually strictly prohibited from having sex while deployed. To made it all the more awkward, I added a newspaper when I got up to the cashier. So. Fucking. Awkward!
Back at the big tent I began the final phase of my preparation. I dug the civvies out of my seabag, which consisted of a red t-shirt, blue jeans, and black Steve Madden sneakers, but I couldn’t just roll out of there like that. With our superiors (figure A in my hasty illustration below) living right next to our tent, the red t-shirt alone would have gotten me caught before I even crossed the street! (Yes, we had roads on base.) So instead, we made it seem like I was leaving to do some PT.
I wore my dog tags, a black Under Armour t-shirt, green skivvy shorts, and the Steve Madden sneakers, carrying the rest of the clothes inside a bladder-less CamelBak. I jogged from our big tent (B) over to the last port-a-john (C) just outside of our area, and began changing. I hurriedly slipped the red t-shirt and blue jeans over the stuff I was wearing, traded my dog tags for one of the goofy ID armbands that all of the civilian contractors wore, and my transformation was complete! I swung the door open, stepped off, and without turning to face him, asked Martinez—who was waiting outside to retrieve my CamelBak—to wish me luck. I was walking so fast that I couldn’t make out what he said in response, but I wasn’t about to turn back now. I was on a mission!
The civilian area was a nice distance away, giving me ample time to think, and the closer I got, the more self-conscious I became. Things like my gait, posture, and facial expression couldn’t look too firm or stoic. So, I slowed my pace, slouched a little, relaxed my expression, and even (GASP!) put my hands in my pockets! I remember wondering if this was how ninjas felt when they’d disguise themselves as peasants to conduct reconnaissance…
As I neared the civilian area, I noticed someone coming the other way. “Fuck, fuck, FUCK! It’s the lady that works at the computer lab! She’s seen me, like, a thousand times befo—” annddddd…she just smiled and said “Hi” as she passed. Wow. I’d done it! I’d managed to pass off as a civilian contractor! LCpl Kelley would have been so ashamed. Hahaha. Once inside, finding Alexa’s trailer was easy enough, and I was soon within its white, air-conditioned walls.
As far as the sex goes, the only thing of note is the fact that 2 out of my 3 condoms broke on me (apparently, 120° weather isn’t ideal for condom durability). The first while trying to put it on, and the second midway through the act. Maybe if they’d had Magnums available, it wouldn’t have happened, but beggars can’t be choosers. Once done, we did a little pillow talk, then I got out of there and began my trek back.
I walked until I was still far enough to avoid the attention of any superiors, waited for a second to ensure that no one was coming, then sprinted all the way to the very last port-a-john. I shed the red t-shirt and jeans, turned them into a roll with the more prominently colored t-shirt on the inside, stuck them under my armpit, then casually jogged to the big tent, to a hero’s welcome inside.
Mission accomplished! I was home safe.
Though not as well known to my peers as the incident with Christina, because of the need for discretion, what transpired back there is one of the proudest moments in my hookup history. War stories? Pfft! No sir. This is what old Jack will be telling his grandchildren when they come of age.
That’s all I have for that one. Hope you enjoyed the journey…
– Jack The Derelict